I’m Going To Miss This
These are the days I never want to forget. These are the days that I know I will miss. These are the days filled with growth and learning and practice and testing. These are the days in which we’re building a foundation for the days to come. These are the days filled with new life and exploration.
Yet at the same time, these are the hard days. These are the days of figuring out how to communicate well in a young marriage. These are the days of balancing a baby while being pregnant again. These are the days of starting a new business where neither of us knows quite what we’re doing. These are the days of finding a community where we fit as a family.
So many moments, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The emotions are mixed and this pregnant mama doesn’t always know how to deal with it.
How can I be so incredibly frustrated with a man who I’m so overwhelmed with love for? I dread the middle-of-the-night feedings, but then my baby just melts into my arms and all he needed was mama, and how can I truly resent that, even as I’m fighting to keep my eyes open? We’ve outgrown our little apartment with this business and now a new baby on the way, yet as excited as I am about moving soon to the perfect house that God has provided, part of me will miss our newlywed home.
It’s wonderful and it’s hard and it’s what I always wanted.
I think back sometimes to my single days. I don’t think I listened to the people that told me I would miss them. How could I possibly miss that season, when I longed so much for the season of marriage and motherhood? Those days felt lonely and hard and like they might never come to an end.
But, it turns out, part of me does miss them. I’d built a life I loved, with a wide community I treasured and in ministries I was honored to be a part of. There was freedom without preoccupation of a husband and children. I got to live them fully for the Lord, albeit imperfectly.
And now I’m in another season, a season that is no less and no more of a gift than that season of singleness was. People shake their heads at me and tell me how very full my hands will be, when they discover that my swelling womb is in fact another baby on the way while I’m holding a 7 month old in my arms. Yes, my hands will be full, what of it? Full of blessings! Sure, I will be busy, with two littles and then however many other children God chooses to give us, in His perfect timing. But so what?
I don’t want to wish these days away, or spend my time longing for the days when my children will be older and helpful. I don’t want to pine over the fact that our new business currently necessitates my full involvement, and think that everything will be roses when it grows enough that we can hire other people to do what I’m doing. I don’t want to hold back from building community just because it isn’t what it used to be or what I hope it will be in future.
These are the days God has given me to live, right now. I’m going to miss them.
I think of what life might be like when I’m eighty, and what memories I want to have built and treasured up by then. When I look back over this season of life, what might I remember?
- Late night whispered conversations with my husband, because we don’t dare wake up the sleeping baby in the room.
- Coffee dates in the middle of the day because, well, we’re self-employed and if we feel like rearranging our schedule, we can.
- Long hugs in my love’s arms after a hormonal crying session over something that doesn’t really matter in the long run.
- A sleeping baby in my arms, running my fingers through his silky blond curls, long lashes closed, kissing the softest of baby cheeks.
- The miracle of a baby growing in my womb.
- A sign on the wall to reminds me that, no matter how much I frustrate him and he frustrates me, we have still found the one whom our soul loves and that’s a beautiful gift.
- Dinner for two.
- The day we went to Leavenworth, spur of the moment, to walk through the magical lights just because we could.
- Fitting a grand piano into our dining room in a 900 square foot apartment up 17 stairs.
- Celebrating our little business benchmarks, like $50,000 in sales over a certain period.
- Living near family and watching my parents and siblings enjoy my baby.
- Going to a new church together, and not having to make a decision about church alone.
- Finding ways to fit 20+ people at the same time into our little apartment because we love hospitality and didn’t want to wait till we had more space.
- Sharing inside jokes and laughing over the silliest things with my husband, rolling my eyes at how ridiculous he is and yet loving it at the same time.
- Seeing my husband be a daddy for the first time, watching that special father and son relationship develop.
- The word “mama” from my chubby baby’s lips.
The list could go on, for a very long time. And sure, I could write an equally long list about the things that are hard. But I can choose where I focus. I can choose what sorts of memories I will intentionally make and hold close and treasure.
So I will choose to remember the things I will miss. These are sweet, sweet days. And I am grateful.